Compassion

Overcoming fears and resistance in psychotherapy

One of the great contradictions of working with people who are suffering is that, of course, they want to stop suffering – that is why they come to see you in the first place and generally keep coming, week after week, hoping for change. But sometimes those same people seem to do everything in their power to resist actually changing. They might not do their homework, instead expecting you to provide some kind of therapeutic magic in a single hour a week. They may say, ‘I know you’re right, but…’ over and over. Or they may resist the change process in countless subtle ways, which are hard to detect without a keen eye on the transference and what’s actually happening in the room.

In schema therapy terms, we could say there is at least one part of them, the Healthy Adult mode, that very much wants change. This is the mode that brings them to therapy in the first place, even if they are scared, mistrustful or sceptical that you can actually make a difference after a lifetime of suffering. And this is the mode we want to work with, encourage and build throughout therapy – I often use the metaphor of a weak muscle that needs training to become stronger and more powerful in the person’s life.

But of course there is often at least one part (and often more, especially with complex cases) of them that absolutely does not want to change. In mode terms, this is commonly the Detached Protector, which tries to protect them by avoiding strong emotions, upsetting material, or intimate connections with other people. Detached Protectors keep people in their heads, where it’s safe, or make sure relationships are superficial and so non-threatening. Clearly, this part is not overly fond of the emotionally intense and relationally intimate process of long-term therapy…

And of course we want to help reduce the impact of this mode, in our clients’ lives and especially in the therapeutic process, because it blocks progress. But it’s crucial that we also respect the resistance, because this is a protector mode – it is blocking change for a reason. Perhaps the person finds their emotions overwhelming, so has learned to avoid or minimise them to feel safe. They may have had strong messages as a child that being rational was good and emotional bad or a sign of weakness.

The uncomfortable comfort zone

Some people fear that if they risk change, things might get even worse. Better to stay in what I call the ‘uncomfortable comfort one’ – it’s not very pleasant, but it is familiar and therefore safe. So we never want to push our clients to change, or rush them. Real change takes time, patience, encouragement, understanding. We can work with the modes that are blocking change in all sorts of ways – using imagery or chair work, for example.

But we need to work hard to help our clients’ Vulnerable Child feel safe first, which in real terms means lots of attunement, kindness, saying the right things and, more importantly, behaving in trustworthy ways. And then change, slowly and miraculously, occurs.

If you would like to know more about overcoming your client’s fears and resistance, come along to any of the workshops below. And if you have any questions about my workshops, call me on 07766 704210 or use the contact form to get in touch.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Upcoming Schema Therapy Skills workshops include:

WORKING WITH IMAGERY: POWERFUL, TRANSFORMATIVE TECHNIQUES TO ENHANCE YOUR CLINICAL PRACTICE

In schema therapy, there is a strong emphasis on using experiential techniques such as imagery rescripting and chair work, which are seen as more effective and transformative than just talking about problems from the client’s past and present. This one-day workshop will teach you how imagery techniques can help rescript even the most traumatic experiences from your client’s childhood, such as incidences of abuse or neglect.

Cost: £180 including refreshments, all training materials and certificate of attendance confirming 6 CPD hours

Next date: 31st May 2019

WORKING WITH MODES: EMBRACING COMPLEXITY & ACHIEVING INTEGRATION

This one-day course will explain the concept of ‘modes’, which are different aspects of our personality that are activated in different situations and by particular triggers. In addition to a brief overview of the theory of schema therapy and schemas/modes, you will learn how to assess and formulate your clients’ modes, as well as specific techniques such as imagery and chair work for working with key modes.

Cost: £180 including refreshments, all training materials and certificate of attendance confirming 6 CPD hours

Next date: 21st June 2019

Transforming the Critic mode: from self-attack to self-compassion

When I practised as a CBT therapist (before training in schema therapy), one of the things that stumped me was clients who were highly self-critical. I had some success with these clients, but if I’m honest, it always bugged me that I couldn’t help them more. That is one of the many reasons I love schema therapy, because it offers a highly effective set of strategies for helping people be less self-critical and more accepting of and compassionate to themselves.

One reason ST is so good at combatting self-criticism is because of the mode model. This allows us to separate out different aspects of a client’s inner world and then work with them directly. One of the most common modes we call the Critic, which is usually divided into two parts. The Demanding Parent is the part of us that just pushes way too hard – it sends us messages (as self-critical thoughts) that we are not good enough, too lazy, resting on our laurels, not keeping up with our peers… It’s well-intentioned, but the pressure it exerts is way too much – leading us to feel stressed, pressurised, exhausted and eventually burning out.

The other maladaptive parent mode is the Punitive Parent. This may be an introject (internalised messages) from a very harsh, cruel or hurtful parent or other caregiver. Or we may just have started being mean to ourselves, for a whole host of reasons, when we were a child – over time, these hurtful messages coalesced into a well-defined part of us that says things like, ‘You’re fat/stupid/ugly/worthless/unlovable.’ And, unsurprisingly, those message make us feel awful – in schema therapy terms, our Vulnerable Child gets triggered and we feel anxious, panicky, stressed, depressed, self-loathing, lacking in self-worth or even suicidal.

This is clearly much more toxic and harmful than the Demanding Parent, so we may need to take a firmer, more vigorous approach to combatting it. But it’s important to remember that, with any kind of Critic or maladaptive parent mode, we are not looking to fight or get rid of it – we couldn’t even if we tried, because it’s part of our client. Instead, we need to transform it, first helping the person feel sufficiently safe and protected (that Vulnerable Child mode again), before negotiating with and persuading the Critic to be more constructive, encouraging and generally helpful. I often suggest that the Critic becomes more like a teacher, or coach – offering advice and suggestions but in a calm, helpful way, which seems to work really well.

If you would like to know more about how to help your clients with self-criticism or self-attack, come along to one of the upcoming workshops below, or my one-day workshop – Transforming the Critic: Working with Self-Dislike, Punitiveness & Perfectionism.

And if you would like to know more about any of my workshops, call me on 07766 704210 or use the contact form to get in touch.

Warm wishes,

Dan

Upcoming Schema Therapy Skills workshops include:

WORKING WITH IMAGERY: POWERFUL, TRANSFORMATIVE TECHNIQUES TO ENHANCE YOUR CLINICAL PRACTICE

In schema therapy, there is a strong emphasis on using experiential techniques such as imagery rescripting and chair work, which are seen as more effective and transformative than just talking about problems from the client’s past and present. This one-day workshop will teach you how imagery techniques can help rescript even the most traumatic experiences from your client’s childhood, such as incidences of abuse or neglect.

Cost: £180 including refreshments, all training materials and certificate of attendance confirming 6 CPD hours

Next date: 31st May 2019

WORKING WITH MODES: EMBRACING COMPLEXITY & ACHIEVING INTEGRATION

This one-day course will explain the concept of ‘modes’, which are different aspects of our personality that are activated in different situations and by particular triggers. In addition to a brief overview of the theory of schema therapy and schemas/modes, you will learn how to assess and formulate your clients’ modes, as well as specific techniques such as imagery and chair work for working with key modes.

Cost: £180 including refreshments, all training materials and certificate of attendance confirming 6 CPD hours

Next date: 21st June 2019